Post by Eli Brayley on Jun 11, 2008 12:12:49 GMT -7
This is an email I recently received from a dear brother who recently was born again after many years of thinking he was saved. He posted this post on another message board, and there's so much good fruit to glean from in it I decided to post it here as well. Glory to God for He alone is mighty to save.
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I have not posted for a while here, and there is a reason for that.
I very recently discovered that I had never been saved. For 2+ years I had been deceived. I lived in continual sin, and after a period of "growth" in which I was absorbing way too much information for my nonexistent level of Christian maturity, I gradually returned to my old way of life in almost every way except open rebellion against the gospel, until just over a week ago.
I went to the apartment of a friend from church who had been trying to disciple me and encourage me for some time, and whom I had been blowing off. I confessed this to him and we had an uncomfortable conversation. He was starting to hint at the possibility that I was not saved after being "backslidden" (as I thought) for so long (this was something I'd done a bunch of times, only to return to my vomit shortly after "repenting" each time - the last time I had this worldly repentance, repentance WITH regrets (2 Cor 7) was last Monday). This made me angry. At one point he asked me what evidence I had that I was saved, and I kinda stared at him / at the wall for a bit. I realized that I had no answer for that. Soon after, I went home, and I started to really think. I started to realize I was not saved, and when I got home, I did realize it.
I called him on the phone (Brian) and told him about it... he pointed me to some verses in John, Romans, Psalm 51, I think... and he asked me to read them out loud. As I was reading them I realized I did not believe them and started to panic. How can I be saved by reading words I didn't believe? If I didn't believe the Bible, then how could I read it in order to be saved. I was beginning to completely despair. It felt like the life was being sucked out of me, and I felt like a lifeless husk. It reminds me of the shed exoskeleton of a cicada that is left behind on a tree. I started to fear that I had no hope, that God had predestined me unto d**nation, that I was a reprobate. I feared that I would become a hardened atheist, and eventually die and go to hell forever. I started to freak out about it, and Brian, by the grace of God, kept calm and pointed me to some more verses.
I remember one of them being Romans 5. The verses in bold are the ones that hit me the most.
-----
1Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
6For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
7For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die.
8But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
-----
I started to realize that I was ungodly. And that it was people like me that Jesus Christ died for. Brian kind of let me go at that point and told me to read John and Romans until I was converted.
I had depended upon my initial "moment of salvation", and a twisting of the P in TULIP derived from it, as well as my emotions, to justify the false idea that I was saved. So when I believe I was saved... there was no "lightning bolt", no incredible feeling like I have heard described, all at once. I think God had to do it in such a way that forced me not to depend on my emotional state in order to determine my salvation, but one that forced me to depend on Him (and I do mean forced. I didn't believe the Word, and so how could I believe it on my own by reading Scripture unless God was the one who took the scales out of my eyes and caused me to see the truth?), and His word alone.
It has only been a week. But all of the knowledge that I was familiar with, yet didn't really believe, is coming back to me, even after I didn't read my Bible or anything concerning it for a long time. God is conforming me into the image of His Son. Every day has been new, fresh - He has been teaching me to rely on Him and nothing else, to trust in Him alone. At times of trouble God has brought Scripture that I used to read back into my mind, and it has been there to help me.
One verse that really stuck out to me on Sunday was Romans 4:3.
-----
1What then shall we say that Abraham, our forefather according to the flesh, has found?
2For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about, but not before God.
3For what does the Scripture say? "ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS."
4Now to the one who works, his wage is not credited as a favor, but as what is due.
5But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness,
6just as David also speaks of the blessing on the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works:
7"BLESSED ARE THOSE WHOSE LAWLESS DEEDS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN,
AND WHOSE SINS HAVE BEEN COVERED.
8"BLESSED IS THE MAN WHOSE SIN THE LORD WILL NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT."
-----
Part of the trouble of my experience so far has been legalism. I was under a yoke of bondage until I was saved. Ironically, this 5-point calvinist thought that he could just turn around any time he wanted and decide to turn his life around. So when I tried to do that last Monday (not for the right reasons, i.e. thankfulness for what God has already done for me, but because I felt obligated to by some things that had happened), I put myself under a slavery that was worse than ever before. I literally made up rules in my head and tried to follow them in order to be saved, all while thinking that was the gospel. I never knew/understood how deeply somebody could be deceived, regardless of how pious they might seem.
I witnessed to a friend in the flesh, and I was powerless. As I was trying to explain to her how to be saved... I found out later that the reason my explanation felt so weak and forced (and it was very rude, and I was kind of beating her over the head with the bible as well) was because I was trying to explain to her a hope, a Savior that I never knew myself.
Every day God has been shedding more of my legalism. I realized that my salvation is by grace and through faith... Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness BEFORE he was circumcised (i.e. before he did any works)... and "not for his sake only was it written that it was credited to him, but for our sake also, to whom it will be credited, as those who believe in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead, He who was delivered over because of our transgressions, and was raised because of our justification" (Romans 4:23-25).
I don't have much else to say except that I must apologize for my behavior on this forum. The entire time I was here, I was in the flesh. I have realized that everything I said was tainted by either idolatry of self, concepts, self-righteousness, and/or a desire to make myself look intelligent at the cost of putting other people down, professing Christians and unbelievers alike.
I probably won't post here much, if at all. But it was important that I post this to you all. Every other time that I posted a thread saying I was sorry for the say I said things, it was really (unknown to me) a way for me to delude myself into being comfortable with what I was doing, and to no longer be condemned by my conscience.
------------------------
I have not posted for a while here, and there is a reason for that.
I very recently discovered that I had never been saved. For 2+ years I had been deceived. I lived in continual sin, and after a period of "growth" in which I was absorbing way too much information for my nonexistent level of Christian maturity, I gradually returned to my old way of life in almost every way except open rebellion against the gospel, until just over a week ago.
I went to the apartment of a friend from church who had been trying to disciple me and encourage me for some time, and whom I had been blowing off. I confessed this to him and we had an uncomfortable conversation. He was starting to hint at the possibility that I was not saved after being "backslidden" (as I thought) for so long (this was something I'd done a bunch of times, only to return to my vomit shortly after "repenting" each time - the last time I had this worldly repentance, repentance WITH regrets (2 Cor 7) was last Monday). This made me angry. At one point he asked me what evidence I had that I was saved, and I kinda stared at him / at the wall for a bit. I realized that I had no answer for that. Soon after, I went home, and I started to really think. I started to realize I was not saved, and when I got home, I did realize it.
I called him on the phone (Brian) and told him about it... he pointed me to some verses in John, Romans, Psalm 51, I think... and he asked me to read them out loud. As I was reading them I realized I did not believe them and started to panic. How can I be saved by reading words I didn't believe? If I didn't believe the Bible, then how could I read it in order to be saved. I was beginning to completely despair. It felt like the life was being sucked out of me, and I felt like a lifeless husk. It reminds me of the shed exoskeleton of a cicada that is left behind on a tree. I started to fear that I had no hope, that God had predestined me unto d**nation, that I was a reprobate. I feared that I would become a hardened atheist, and eventually die and go to hell forever. I started to freak out about it, and Brian, by the grace of God, kept calm and pointed me to some more verses.
I remember one of them being Romans 5. The verses in bold are the ones that hit me the most.
-----
1Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
6For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
7For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die.
8But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
-----
I started to realize that I was ungodly. And that it was people like me that Jesus Christ died for. Brian kind of let me go at that point and told me to read John and Romans until I was converted.
I had depended upon my initial "moment of salvation", and a twisting of the P in TULIP derived from it, as well as my emotions, to justify the false idea that I was saved. So when I believe I was saved... there was no "lightning bolt", no incredible feeling like I have heard described, all at once. I think God had to do it in such a way that forced me not to depend on my emotional state in order to determine my salvation, but one that forced me to depend on Him (and I do mean forced. I didn't believe the Word, and so how could I believe it on my own by reading Scripture unless God was the one who took the scales out of my eyes and caused me to see the truth?), and His word alone.
It has only been a week. But all of the knowledge that I was familiar with, yet didn't really believe, is coming back to me, even after I didn't read my Bible or anything concerning it for a long time. God is conforming me into the image of His Son. Every day has been new, fresh - He has been teaching me to rely on Him and nothing else, to trust in Him alone. At times of trouble God has brought Scripture that I used to read back into my mind, and it has been there to help me.
One verse that really stuck out to me on Sunday was Romans 4:3.
-----
1What then shall we say that Abraham, our forefather according to the flesh, has found?
2For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about, but not before God.
3For what does the Scripture say? "ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS."
4Now to the one who works, his wage is not credited as a favor, but as what is due.
5But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness,
6just as David also speaks of the blessing on the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works:
7"BLESSED ARE THOSE WHOSE LAWLESS DEEDS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN,
AND WHOSE SINS HAVE BEEN COVERED.
8"BLESSED IS THE MAN WHOSE SIN THE LORD WILL NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT."
-----
Part of the trouble of my experience so far has been legalism. I was under a yoke of bondage until I was saved. Ironically, this 5-point calvinist thought that he could just turn around any time he wanted and decide to turn his life around. So when I tried to do that last Monday (not for the right reasons, i.e. thankfulness for what God has already done for me, but because I felt obligated to by some things that had happened), I put myself under a slavery that was worse than ever before. I literally made up rules in my head and tried to follow them in order to be saved, all while thinking that was the gospel. I never knew/understood how deeply somebody could be deceived, regardless of how pious they might seem.
I witnessed to a friend in the flesh, and I was powerless. As I was trying to explain to her how to be saved... I found out later that the reason my explanation felt so weak and forced (and it was very rude, and I was kind of beating her over the head with the bible as well) was because I was trying to explain to her a hope, a Savior that I never knew myself.
Every day God has been shedding more of my legalism. I realized that my salvation is by grace and through faith... Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness BEFORE he was circumcised (i.e. before he did any works)... and "not for his sake only was it written that it was credited to him, but for our sake also, to whom it will be credited, as those who believe in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead, He who was delivered over because of our transgressions, and was raised because of our justification" (Romans 4:23-25).
I don't have much else to say except that I must apologize for my behavior on this forum. The entire time I was here, I was in the flesh. I have realized that everything I said was tainted by either idolatry of self, concepts, self-righteousness, and/or a desire to make myself look intelligent at the cost of putting other people down, professing Christians and unbelievers alike.
I probably won't post here much, if at all. But it was important that I post this to you all. Every other time that I posted a thread saying I was sorry for the say I said things, it was really (unknown to me) a way for me to delude myself into being comfortable with what I was doing, and to no longer be condemned by my conscience.
